March 2021: Letting Go

When the topic of letting go was suggested for this Floralkin collection it felt particularly appropriate to me, both personally and professionally. While 2020 offered enough lessons in the importance of letting go, for me 2021 has already left a much bigger impression. 

At the end of January, we (my husband and I) welcomed our sweet baby girl Eleanor into the world. Her entrance was more than a little bumpy, for all three of us. The labor and delivery journey was scary to say the least. While I recovered quickly, little Eleanor spent the first 5 weeks of her life in the NICU. And as I write this letter, she has only been home with us for 3 days - 3 days. 

We were welcomed to parenthood with hours upon hours at the hospital -- or sitting  in solitude as we waited for our turn to visit her at the hospital. With the pandemic, having a child in the NICU meant no visitors. Jake and I were allowed in - separately. We spent the first 5 weeks of Eleanor’s life learning about her, working with her therapists and talking to all of her doctors - separately. The car rides home were where I felt most like a family. It was where Jack and I finally had the chance to share about our time with Eleanor. And though we weren’t really together until just recently,  in many ways we’ve been together for the past 9 months, and counting.

Now that we’re home, Jack and I have spent the past 4 days starting to fully understand the journey our little girl has ahead of her. Really, I’ve spent the better part of the past several weeks learning about the potential struggles she’ll encounter, what her care will look like, and the time and energy it’ll require. And despite all the heartache of the past 5 weeks, I’ve found an overwhelming joy in being with my daughter that is unlike any other. 

I sit here, looking at Eleanor, I envision the journey ahead,, I wonder about the future of Ida Mayes. What Eleanor, the next generation of Mathews women, means to Ida Mayes and what Ida Mayes will come to mean to her. 

While I hold tightly to Ida Mayes, the vision I’ve seen for so long, no longer feels achievable. Our growth trajectory, our goals for expansion, it all feels like they’re slowly slipping away. I now feel myself questioning the definition of success, and what’s in the plans for us . Letting go can feel like a loss, perhaps a bit like failure and yet, it seems in order to gain something more beautiful than you’ve ever known, letting go becomes the only option. 

So now, I find myself repeating the question, “what is it I need to let go?”